Okay. So the sets are all back in the City for the Building and Engineering Departments. Now the wait for final approval begins… I have a lot of pent up anxiety as this house gets closer to being permitted and more of a reality. This Shoe Box has been my home for over a decade. My husband and I brought both of our children into this world and this is the house where they came home to. Now as I imagine tearing this place down, I feel sad. I’ve dreamt up every detail of every inch of our new house. I can see the rooms in my head. Yet, why do I feel this way? Part of it is the unknown I suppose. Where will we live during construction? How will I pack up my house for the duration of the build? Can we actually pull this off on time and within budget? Will we survive a personal build or will we kill each other?
I feel like it’s our time. It’s our turn to build the house of our dreams. It’ll be small but ours. I want it all so bad but I can’t shake the remorse of what we must lose to get there. Memories were made here over the years within these flimsy walls. The imperfections seem even more glaringly obvious than usual from the awkward layout to the termite damage to the achingly tight quarters, but this is and has been our retreat. I can’t help but feel the nostalgia creep in and settle in my heart. When we get that approval notice and the permit to build, will I cry tears of joy or tears of sorrow? Probably both. But here we go. Closer to the next chapter of our lives. A new house. A new outlook on life? We will build this place up eventually.
These past few weeks have been full of devastation here in California. Several fires have ravaged entire communities and torn them apart. There are desperate families out there still searching for answers with no roof over their heads and I feel deeply guilty about this too. My first world problems seem stupid and out of context, but they are real to me in this moment. They are real for my family. The long awaited approval and tear-down is another post, but today, I am feeling strangely sad about the coming fate of what lies ahead. May this home stand sturdy and welcoming for a few months more as we wait patiently and decide on the timing and next steps of our future.
-K